Things I Never Thought I'd Google Before Becoming a Mom: Newborn Edition

Funny mom blog

Having grown up in an era of usernames, passwords, and instant everything, it's probably no surprise to you, dear reader, that I have a habit of googling anything and everything at all times, without hesitation. Sure, there are times when I want to "challenge myself" to figure out the indecipherable words to a song (don't even get me started-- my friends know I am NOTORIOUS for mishearing lyrics-- alas, that's another post for another day), but really, why wait?

As soon as google kicked Ask Jeeves to the corner, google became my go-to. I consider google more of a well-read friend than a search engine. Creepy? Probably. Exactly what google wants me to think? Definitely. Am I sorry? Not even a little bit.

So, once pregnancy rolled around, the (proverbial) keys of my way-too-smartphone became worn out asking questions like, "will my belly button ever be the same?" (spoiler alert: no, it won't) and, "why didn't they didn't tell me about [insert ridiculous pregnancy symptom here]!?!?". But truly, nothing could've prepared me for what I would google once my boys arrived. There are SO MANY THINGS that need answers, y'all. Here is a sampling:

  • can you be a helicopter mom if you have a newborn
  • what is one step down from a helicopter mom
  • least annoying/most tolerable baby music
  • how quickly can a person die from lack of sleep
  • are my boobs supposed to look like this?
  • foods to increase milk supply
  • foods to increase milk supply that aren't disgusting
  • lactation cookie recipes with ingredients i actually have
  • flavor blasted goldfish flavors
  • what happens if a person only eats flavor blasted goldfish
  • minivans
  • least hideous minivan models
  • least lame minivan models
  • minivan with racing stripes
  • minivan with flames
  • ironic stick family bumper sticker ideas
  • beer and breastfeeding
  • craft beer and breastfeeding
  • hard liquor and breastfeeding
  • why does my son's neck smell like death
  • baby neck rolls
  • how to properly cut infant nails
  • I JUST CLIPPED MY BABY'S FINGER
  • should my baby be able to do anything cool by now
  • when can babies put pacifiers back in their mouths
  • how to teach a baby how to suck its thumb
  • is it really that awful for a baby to suck its thumb
  • mom jeans
  • attractive mom jeans
  • mom jeans for cool moms
  • least tacky bulldog onesies
  • when will my baby realize i'm a dork

Have any google searches you'd like to share? Leave them in the comments below!