You Have to Let Go
A couple of years ago, my best friend and I went to an afternoon trapeze lesson. We were drawn in by the novelty of something new and exciting.
After I saw the ridiculously tall ladder we were expected to climb, my fear began to sit in. I asked the instructor if anyone had died during one of his trapeze lessons. He laughed and said, “Nope! Follow the instructions and you will be fine.”
I listened intently as he told us that the number one rule is not to hesitate. “When I say let go, you have to let go right then, or you will miss the window of momentum and your next move will be messed up.”
I pushed down my nervousness and climbed the ladder. I held onto the trapeze bar tightly, and jumped on his cue. I swung as I pumped my legs. This was fun, but I was still terrified of the next part. The bar was a comfort, and I did not want to let go- but his words rang in my ears. “Don’t hesitate. Let go, or you will miss your window.”
As I reached the height of my upswing, I heard the words, “NOW! LET GO!” And I did. I let go of the comfort and control, and I landed perfectly on the giant inflatable cushion.
If he didn’t emphasize the importance of letting go right as he said to, I wouldn’t have been so focused on his timing and command. I would have held onto the bar that kept me in the air. I would have clung to the last bit of safety in my mind. I would have missed the best part, the thrill of a good landing.
I think about his words often and how they apply to my life. I am a creature of comfort, and I cling to the familiar. There have been moments in my life where I have heard God whisper, “Now..It’s time to let go.” I am embarrassed to say, most of those whispers have been met by thoughts of “Not yet. I’m not ready.”
I hold tight to my need for control, even though it brings me panic and anxiety. I still feel myself hanging to the illusion that I am in charge of everything in my life. I plan and agonize over worst case scenarios and thoughts ‘what-ifs’ until my heart races and I can’t catch my breath.
I hold tight to my past, even though it isn’t productive and causes me to miss valuable moments in the here and now. I still find myself playing back my past regrets and choices on a loop in my mind.
I hold tight to my tendency to shut down when I am hurt or overwhelmed, even though I know there is relief and understanding that could be offered by my friends and family if I would just reach out for help. My inclination is to turn inwards and not face my feelings or my issues when life gets too hard.
There have also been times when I heard God say, “Now. it’s time to let go” and I listened. Those moments where I was terrified of the next step, but I let go anyway- those moments have led to the greatest blessings of my life.
I let go of my pride and forgave a man who hurt me, and that man became my husband and the greatest love of my life. I watch him provide for our family through his hard work and encouraging words. I can’t imagine not crashing into his arms at the end of every day.
I let go of the weight of rejection and welcomed a new friendship, even though I was scared of getting hurt. That friend is now the one I call anytime I am excited, upset, or lonely. She is my rock, and I don’t know if I would be make it through life and motherhood without her by my side.
I let go of my plan for family and signed up to be a foster parent, even though a part of me was sure it would be too demanding. My idea of having one boy and one girl has been replaced with my reality of 5 beautiful children. I never saw this for myself, but I would not trade all of the laughter and joy they bring to my home for anything.
These moments where I was scared out of my mind and let go anyway- these moments have made my life so much richer. I can’t imagine how things would look if I was still hanging on to my vision of what life was supposed to look like. I shudder to think of the love and relationships I would be missing out on.
I still find myself being selfish, and prone to comfort and control- but I am working on it. I am going to keep listening. I am going to keep hoping that the whispers don’t stop, and that I am able to recognize the moments where I will be able to jump--to let go of the comfort of what I have been clinging to, embrace the next phase in my life, and to welcome the blessings I have been shutting out.
